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Am I The Only One?

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Today's Tom Sawyer

I imagine that most women do not like having their breasts grabbed by strangers. But the TSA may make this inevitable.

This sort of thing happens a lot at dark rock concerts where several thousand people are packed near the stage like sardines, and some young woman feels the quick grab of a hand on each breast from behind. If the owner of those breasts happens to have a gorilla for a boyfriend, the owners of the hands are usually on the receiving end of a little street justice.

In my youth, this quick feel was called a "Tom Sawyer", and it was something that young rascals knew was a no-no and never dared try, but we certainly talked a good game. Such as "oh, look at that girl in the sweater! Wouldn't you like to give her a Tom Sawyer?" Invariably the girl in question was far too ample for any one of our pairs of hands, but I guess that was part of the challenge.

Anyway, post 9/11 airport security may necessitate a little more groping and cupping than most female travelers are prepared for. If you plan to fly these days and have suspicious-looking breasts, be prepared for the following:
"Using an open hand, a security agent touched her on her shoulders, under her arms, around her waist, across her bra strap, and between her breasts, Gaynier said — all in front of other passengers."

The article explains that these searches are usually performed by same-sex security personel, and that travellers can request that the search be conducted in privacy. But this brings up an odd question: what if the traveller is gay? Can he or she request an opposite-sex security worker? Can I pretend I'm gay and do the same? But I digress.

Apparently all this Sawyering has some serious reasoning behind it.
"The new policy was implemented by the Transportation Security Administration on Sept. 22, after 90 people were killed in two plane crashes in Russia believed to have been caused by Chechen women who carried explosives on board."

After a brief Google search, I have assembled a rough scenario. The Chechen women may have brought plastic explosives on board by hiding it between or underneath their breasts, or perhaps by packing a DD-cup bassiere with A-cup breasts plus 3 cup sizes worth of C4. So these new measures are an attempt to verify that a woman's undergarments are, in fact, filled with woman.

With apologies to Rush: What you say about the company is what you say about society. Today's Tom Sawyer may mean a safe landing at your destination.

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